When I Was Drowning, That's When I Could Finally Breath
by choose joy xox
Summary: "Maybe Charlotte was in jail, but her mind still held everything that she had done to her. She relived the pain and the worries every single night when she went to sleep. She was physically safe, but she doubted that her head would ever be a safe place again." A Spoby-centric version of the time jump that is not a train wreck. Happy reading.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not plan on watching 6B. The show should have ended with 6x10, and that's where I'll probably leave it, personally. But I know a lot of you are going to need closure that doesn't involve putting these girls through another unrealistic experience, making consistent characters act OOC, breaking up couples for reasons that are OOC, and bringing up things that are better left in the past, because they've actually been resolved in an adequate way.**

 **So if I were one of the writers this is what I would do if I was going to be forced to continue it. It is obviously going to be told from a Spoby-centric perspective, because duh.**

 **The first 5 chapters will cover the years we are going to miss, one chapter per year. The chapter will just include an important event in the year, it won't span the whole year. Chapter 5 will lead into the rest of the story. Make sense? Kay, good :)**

 **You know how busy I am, so I waited until I had 6 chapters written before posting it. You can expect a chapter every Saturday from here on out, unless this gets a crazy response in which case I will most likely make a bad decision and post quicker lol. You know me, I get excited.**

 **I know you guys are waiting on an update for LASB, but in a series of unfortunate events this stupid website deleted the chapter twice and now i'm frustrated, so give me a minute. In the mean time, enjoy this. See you on Saturday or sooner.**

 **Love you guys!**

Chapter 1

FRESHMAN YEAR: Midterms Week.

SPOV

She sat crossed legged on her bed, the sad remnants of a a chewed up pencil in her mouth. She was stressed out. Everyone was stressed out, but right now she felt this insane need to ace all of her midterms. Her parents had been disappointed when she had been rejected from UPenn, but they had been over the moon when she had shown up with an acceptance to Georgetown. She wasn't quite sure of their motivation, whether it was because of Georgetown's prestigious law program, their well-respected status, or the proximity to DC that they appreciated. But all the same, she wanted to make them proud of her; and the only way to do that was to bring home impressive midterm grades.

 _She sat out the counter with her head buried in her hands. She might be home now, but what was home, really? It was supposed to be where she felt safe, but she felt anything but safe in these four walls. A had gotten in here enough times to replicate her room perfectly. They had stolen her things, and no one had noticed. Was she really safe here?_

 _"Spencer."_

 _She jumped a little as her mom appeared. She was still so angry with her, despite the fact that she knew her decision to withhold the sleeping aid came from a place of worry and not a place of maliciousness. "What?" Her voice came out much more harshly than she had meant for it to, but what was she going to do? She was done hiding her frustration. After everything she had a right to stop hiding._

 _Spencer looked up just in time to see her mom quickly cover up the hurt on her face. "I just got a letter from the school," she said softly, a genuine smile appearing on her face. "You got valedictorian. I'm so proud of you!"_

"Hastings, you look like you need a Xanax," her roommate laughed from across the room, tossing a mini Twix at her head. "Maybe chocolate will be a good substitute."

She laughed a little bit, grabbing the Twix and slowly unwrapping it. She had no how ironic those words were. She probably could use a Xanax, but everyone was reluctant to prescribe the addict anything stronger than Tylenol. "You don't get it, Annabeth. Your parents are awesome. My parents are insane, and I'm fairly confident that they would be less angry about me coming home pregnant with triplets than about getting a C my first semester in college." She took on a deeper tone, imitating her dad. "You're setting the tone for your entire college career, Spence. Don't blow it."

Annabeth wrinkled her nose. "Your parents sounds intense."

She sighed and nodded. "Understatement of the year. My parents make Hitler look like the Easter Bunny sometimes," she laughed. Which was good and bad. It was sure nice to have that Hastings intensity on her side through everything she had to deal with last year. She glanced on her watch. "I'm going to stay with Toby tonight, alright? So don't wait up."

"You get your hot boyfriend and your scary, smart computer brain," Annabeth whined. "And what do I get?" She grabbed the stuffed cow on the other side of the bed. "I guess I'll just cuddle with Carl tonight. He isn't much of a looker, but he makes for a great cuddle buddy."

She smiled a little bit, loving the fact that Toby had been willing to come with her. He had made this transition a million times easier, especially since she was still having a hard time with certain things. She looked back down at her sociology book, cringing a little bit as she read about a kidnapping from years ago. She shut her book and pushed it away.

 _Smoke was filling up her lungs. It couldn't be normal smoke, it wouldn't have incapacitated her this quickly. She felt herself loosing control of her body as she slid to her knees and then to the cold, hard ground in the van. She met Aria's eyes as she slowly faded. The last thing she saw before she lost consciousness was a pair of big, black gloves reaching for her._

Annabeth glanced at her curiously. "You okay?"

She nodded, smiling at her. It was a tense smile, but she counted on Annabeth's not knowing her well enough to tell. She ran a hand through her hair and glanced at the time. Toby would be there in 20 minutes. She could go meet him outside. The fresh air would probably do her some good. She grabbed her bag, hesitating as she reached for her cell phone. Even still, after a year of freedom, she flinched when her cell phone rang. But she knew that she needed it. She turned the volume all the way down, knowing that she would do better if she was able to discover the text message on her own time. "I'm going to go meet Toby now," she said softly, stopping to give her roommate a hug. God knows that her new friend had endless amounts of patience to deal with her nightmares and general uneasiness. "Have a nice night."

"You too, Spence," Annabeth smiled, passing her another piece of chocolate. "cheer up, okay? Midterms aren't the end of the world."

Spencer smiled tightly. Maybe 30% of her stress was midterms. She just couldn't shake the last year from her brain today. Maybe it was because of that midterm stress that everything else was making her jumpy. She walked down the stairs and sat down on the block of concrete, affectionately dubbed 'the stoop.' She pulled her legs up to her chest and closed her eyes, letting herself focus on things that made her happy. Maybe they would drive out the things that scared her.

 _She laughed and flopped across the couch, putting her feet in his lap. "I can't believe I graduate high school tomorrow. I honestly never thought it would happen."_

 _His grin lit up his whole face. "I am so proud of you, Spence." He rubbed her leg for a second, absentmindedly._

 _The far off look in his eyes immediately showed her that he had something that he wanted to say. "What's on your mind?" She asked him softly, grabbing his free hand and pulling herself up, her legs still in his lap and her free hand on his cheek._

 _He chuckled a little bit. "I'm that transparent, huh?"_

 _She smiled softly. "Only to me."_

 _"I guess I just have something to tell you, and I'm not sure how you're going to react." He said finally, a worry line on his forehead. "We talked, but we never decided anything definitively, and..." he trailed off. "I guess I just don't want you to be mad at me."_

 _"Tell me," she said seriously, straightening up and squeezing his hand gently. She honestly couldn't imagine herself being very upset with him after everything he had done for her in the last few months._

 _He hesitated. "I might have applied for a transfer to the Washington DC Police Department," he explained in a rush. "And I know, I know you aren't a fan of the cop thing, but I've grown to like it. And I know I should have talked to you before I assumed you'd want-"_

 _She interrupted him with a kiss. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" She breathed against his lips. "You're coming with me?" Her eyes were wide with disbelief, and when he nodded she broke out into a wide grin. "You're coming with me!" She kissed him again, smiling against his lips the whole time._

 _She laughed mid-kiss and he pulled away with a grin that rivaled hers. "Stop laughing into my mouth," he protested, framing her face with his hands. "So you're not upset?"_

 _She didn't even know how to respond to that other than to reattach her lips to his. He would kiss away any doubts that he had, because this was perfect. He was perfect. Maybe everything would be okay._

She jumped a little bit as a hand touched her arm, wincing away. But she relaxed as soon as she saw that it was Toby. "It's just me. I'm sorry," he said breathlessly, pulling her into a hug. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I said your name a few times, but I don't think you heard me. I didn't mean to scare you."

She shivered into his chest a little bit, waiting until she could smile before pulling away. "It's okay. I'm alright," she lightly touched his cheek and smiled. "I just wasn't paying attention."

"Are you sure?" He asked her softly. "I really am sorry."

"Let's just go," she said lowly, keeping the smile on her face. And it wasn't forced at all. Toby was one of the only people that could make her smile these days. "I need to escape the college life for tonight."

"Are you alright?" He took her upper arm and stopped them just outside of the parking lot. He gave her the kind of look that made her feel like he could see into her brain and pick out exactly how she was feeling. "Why were you waiting outside?"

She wanted to divert her eyes, but she knew Toby well enough to know that that would only make him worry. "I'm fine, just a little overwhelmed." She hesitated. "And the case study for my psychology midterm is about a kidnapping, and..." she trailed off, knowing that she wouldn't have to explain herself to him.

He pulled her close again in the kind of hug that made her feel like she had never been hugged before until she met Toby. He put his whole body into it, pulling her close... making her feel safe, secure, and loved. "You're safe now," he whispered into her ear. "Cece's in some psych ward far away, and she can't ever hurt you again."

It was easy to believe that while he held her like this. It was much harder to believe when her mind brought her back to places that she never wanted to relive. "I know," she murmured into his neck. "but my brain doesn't seem to always know," she laughed a little bit, pulling away. "I don't want to think about this anymore. Can we go get pizza and watch bad TV for awhile?"

His eyes didn't leave hers for a long moment. But in the end he nodded, wrapping an arm around her and leading her to the car. "I love you, Spencer," he said softly. "and we will get through this and everything else together, okay?"

"I love you too," she whispered, squeezing his hand; and for a second she felt like the luckiest person, despite everything she had gone through in the last two years. Maybe it was worth it, because she got Toby out of the mess.

* * *

She looked sadly at the last bite of pizza before tossing it into the nearly empty box. "If I eat another bite I'm going to die."

"Weak," Toby scoffed, reaching for one last piece. "I think I have a few more bites left in me."

Some of her favorite times were the moments she got to spend with just Toby, the moments where she got the chance to see her typically reserved boyfriend let loose, and the times where she felt completely comfortable being her real self. She yawned and pulled the blanket over her shoulders, curling up against him. "Can we watch Pitch Perfect now?"

Toby nodded, pressing his lips against her hair. "But you're going to fall asleep."

"I am not," she protested with a tired laugh.

He snorted, running his gentle fingers through her hair. "I don't think we've ever watched a movie where you didn't fall asleep."

"No!" She insisted. "I didn't fall asleep during..." she trailed off thinking. "um, during that documentary on Darfur?"

"Because it was for your foreign policy class," he chuckled. "you're good with grades. You're not so good with staying awake in the middle of other movies."

She scoffed, starting the movie, intent upon proving him wrong. But she quickly felt herself drifting of, falling asleep against him.

 _"I swear to God, if Caleb shows up here I'll kill you myself."_

 _She put a hand on Hanna's shoulder, but she couldn't dispute her words. Because if Toby showed up here she would destroy anyone and anything that tried to stop her from getting him out of here. Right as she was about to open her mouth to say something a loud thumping came from the closet door. She hesitantly walked over and opened it, letting out an anguished cry as Caleb and Toby tumbled out. "No. Oh my God."_

 _She crawled across the floor to him, still in her orange jump suit. He was groggy, but he seemed to be alright. Charles must have drugged him. Hopefully Caleb was alright too, but she only had eyes for Toby right now. She put both hands on his cheeks, tilting his head up so that she could look into his eyes. "Toby," she breathed, leaning down and ghosting her lips over the top of his. "Oh my God. Toby."_

 _He groaned and opened his eyes, immediately jerking up and grasping her forearm. "Spencer?" He whispered. He scooted the rest of the way up and took her face into his hands, checking her over. "Are you okay? Did Charles hurt you? Where the hell are we?"_

 _She shrugged desperately. "I don't know. Somewhere underground is all that I've been able to figure out. We're all physically okay," she whispered. "just really scared."_

 _He pulled her closer in a tight, one armed hug. She leaned into him, and for the first time in a week she felt some semblance of safety. That was until he groaned and his body slumped into her. She tightened her grip, struggling to lower him to the ground. She grew pale at the sight of a dark spot spreading on his chest. She ripped his shirt off, screaming whens he saw the blood. "No!" She sobbed, putting pressure on his wound. She felt sick as the thick, hot blood seeped between her fingers. "No! Please don't leave me! Toby!"_

 _She could see the remorse in his eyes as the light slowly faded from them and he went still._

"Spencer!" His hands were on her shoulders, gently shaking her awake. "Open your eyes, Spence. It's just a dream. You're alright. You're safe."

She pried her eyes open, looking around frantically. But they weren't in the dollhouse. They were in Toby's apartment. They were safe. He was safe. Mistaking the anguish on her face for fear he pulled her close, clutching her head against his chest as he ran his gentle fingers through her sweaty, tangled hair. "You're safe. I've got you. And Charlotte's in jail. Nothing can hurt you now."

He was okay. He was breathing, and in the end that was all that mattered.

But he was wrong. Maybe Charlotte was in jail, but her mind still held everything that she had done to her. She relived the pain and the worries every single night when she went to sleep. She was physically safe, but she doubted that her head would ever be a safe place again.


	2. Chapter 2

**SORRY THIS IS A DAY LATE. I was so busy yesterday! But I hope you like it. Either way, let me know. The next chapter is SO EMOTIONAL so be ready for that next weekend (or sooner, you decide with your reviews :) ).**

 **HAVE A GOOD WEEK.**

Chapter 2

SPOV

Sophomore Year: Welcome Week

Annabeth grinned. "Come on! Please come with me. Your boyfriend is working, right? There's no reason for you to sit around and wait for him like some kind of kept woman."

Spencer sighed. She hesitated. In all honesty, she didn't do well with crowds. She usually clung to Toby's arm when she had to be in them, letting him guide her and comfort her when it all got to be too much. But she hadn't even told him about the party tonight. She knew that he would feel endlessly guilty about not being able to go with her, but worse than that even, he would worry about her all night.

She loved him. She loved him more than anything, and she craved his presence like the air that she breathed. And God, she knew that he loved her. He had proven it again and again, more times than she could even begin to describe. But while the intensity of his love felt like a comforting blanket most of the time, sometimes it could feel like a heavy pillow, smothering her.

Maybe she could handle it. Maybe today would be the day she didn't fall apart when she was surrounded by people. Maybe today would be the day that she was finally able to move on. "Okay," she shrugged. It was worth a shot. How was she supposed to know when she stopped being fucked up if she didn't take a risk now and then.

Annabeth squealed and wrapped her arms around her excited. "Oh my God, I'm so excited! I love you and now I get to show you off to all my other friends. They're going to love you too! We'll start at the Delta Phi party and then-"

That was when she tuned her out, her mind wondering back to another happier time; a time when doing something as simple as going to a party alone wasn't a source of anxiety.

 _"We did it, bitches!"_

 _Aria chuckled, handing Spencer a beer. "Do you think that Hanna will ever realize that bitches isn't exactly a term of endearment?"_

 _Spencer snorted, taking a long drink. "Probably not. She's off with Bridget anyway, so she probably won't remember our names by the time she gets back."_

 _"Right?" Aria laughed. She suddenly turned and wrapped Spencer in a tight hug "I'm going to miss you, Spence."_

 _Spencer hugged her back immediately, taken aback by her sudden change in emotion. She had a feeling that things were going to get very difficult when she was alone. She was surrounded by people she loved and cared about, but mostly she was sure that she was still so close to the situation. Things seemed to get harder the further away you were from them, the safer you feel the more you remember the times that you were safe and know how easily you could go back there._

 _And she wouldn't have her friends. They were her family in every sense of the word. How would she cope alone? Although she wouldn't be alone. She would still have Toby. "I'll miss you too, little one," she mumbled._

"Spencer!" Annabeth and a petite blonde pranced up to her. They were at someone's disgusting apartment, but she honestly had no recollection of arriving here. That was her first sign that she should probably go home, but she was never one to listen to her instincts. "Spence, this is my cousin Rebecca." She turned to the blonde with a grin. "Bec, this is my roommate Spencer."

The blond shook her head, but Spencer was immediately brought back to another blonde and shook her head. "Sorry," she added hastily, not wanting her roommate to think she was a maniac. "I have a cold."

Annabeth gave her a funny look and passed her a beer. "Girl you need to lighten up. We're sophomores now!"

She looked down at the beer with a small frown. There were so many different classifications of drunks, but she fell decidedly into the 'makes stupid decisions about everything' category. And she didn't have Toby here to stop her from being an idiot.

But who the hell cared? She was a sophomore in college, not the 16 year old that was constantly fighting for her life and the lives of her friends. She was a carefree college student, and it was time that she started acting like it. She took the beer and downed half of it in one go, immediately feeling warm and looser.

Annabeth laughed and took her hand, pulling her out onto the dance floor. "That's more like it!"

 _The only place that she ever felt safe was in his arms. That was the only time that she ever felt at home, especially after escaping that hell hole. Home didn't feel like home anymore, but Toby's arms still did._

 _They had been told to not attend the dance, but when had she ever listened to what was expected of her? She had to find Ali; she wasn't sure that she wanted the girl in her life moving forward, but there was no denying that her friendship with Alison DiLaurentis had defined her life up until this point. She owed it to her to help her this last time. And who could blame her if that included a brief intermission so that she could dance with her boyfriend?_

 _"Did you write about your friends?"_

 _It was like he knew what she wrote about, if his incessant questioning was any indication. "I wrote about what it means to support someone unconditionally, even when that haven't been entirely honest with you." He was as humble as they came, but he had to know she was talking about him after those words. Dishonesty defined their early relationship, albeit out of necessity, but it was dishonesty all the same. The look on his face when he told her that he'd figure it out for himself was seared on her heart forever. And he did. He figured it out and he showed her that he was unreservedly on her side by giving up everything to protect her._

 _She swallowed roughly before continuing. "And how everyone needs someone to be inspired by, someone who sets the bar really high." Life had knocked him down more than once, but he always got up. He always kept fighting, and he never lost the gentleness and integrity that set him apart from everyone else._

 _"Someone who will put someone else's needs before their own and not resent them for it." She had a lot of people in her life that cared about her, but Toby was the only one who had proven over and over again that he would make personal sacrifices to ensure that she was safe and happy. And while she wished that he wouldn't suffer for her sake, she couldn't deny that that kind of love made her stronger. It made her feel safe because Toby would love her anyway._

 _She shifted her gaze, looking over his shoulder as some junior she didn't know pouring a flask of something into the punch. She couldn't meet his eyes after all of that. "Someone who always expects you to do the right thing, and forgives you when you don't." She couldn't describe what his high expectations meant. He set the bar high and he expected her to achieve it. His belief in her made her feel like she could do things that she never thought that she could do. What the hell would she have done the last two years if she hadn't had him?_

 _Everyone needed someone like Toby. Everyone needed someone who believed in them, loved them unconditionally, and forgave them even when they were continuously making what felt like the biggest mistake of their life. Everyone needed someone that felt like home._

 _"Wow. Your mom must have been pretty moved by that."_

 _She could have laughed. Or maybe cried. Was this a sign that she didn't tell him how much he meant to her often enough? Because there wasn't anyone in the world that came close to inspiring the love and devotion that she felt toward him. It wasn't even a contest. She pulled away to look at him with soft eyes. "Yeah, she might be." If she was even there to hear it. "But I wrote it about you."_

 _The love she saw in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss her was nearly her undoing. But then her lips met his and she knew deep inside her heart that her home wasn't a building. Her home was him, and as long as he existed no one would be able to take her home away from her. Not even Charles._

Three beers and a couple shots later and she was feeling pretty good. For the first time in a long time she didn't feel scared. She just felt loose and free. And maybe a little sad, because it shouldn't be taking alcohol for her to have a normal life.

The realization that this was the first time she felt okay brought back some of the fear, because she knew that she had a hard time with addiction. But she refused to bring her friends and family down that particular rabbit hole again. She excused herself and walked outside, needing the fresh air.

She sat on the concrete, her back against the cold side of the house. She closed her eyes for a second, just taking in a few deep breaths before opening them and freezing at the sight of a blurry, hoodie clad figure just standing in the middle of the street. She bit back a scream. He started walking toward her and it was like the rest of the world melted away. She wasn't safe. She wasn't safe at all. She was back in her nightmare.

 _"Burn everything!"_

 _They were acting crazy. There was every chance that they would burn to death with Charles's momentos, but at this point she didn't care. Because death, as painful as it might be for their families, was preferable to the hell they were living down here. If she had to hurt her friends one more times she would beg for it, because death was better than that. Anything was better than that._

 _She watched as her friends tossed pictures and dolls into the fire. She watched as Aria paced and Hanna shook. She watched as Emily ripped back the curtains, but then their nightmare was there. Charles was with them and watching. And surely he would punish them for this. Surely one of them wouldn't make it out alive. Surely this was the end for them._

By the time she realized that the hoodie was just a benign party guest it was already too late. Her heart rate was up and she felt herself on the verge of a breakdown. She felt herself hyperventilating, the tears that were falling from her eyes distorting her path up the street.

What the hell was wrong with her? She couldn't have one night, one **normal night** without her fucked up past coming back to haunt her. She would never put this behind her, that was more than clear to her.

She didn't know how many steps she took before falling hard to the ground, but it was only after the gravel was digging into her palms that she realized that she might need some help. She couldn't call Annabell, so that meant that she had to call Toby. She fumbled for her phone. It took her three tries to dial his number and get the phone to her ear.

 _"Spence? Are you alright?"_

"T-toby, I- I-" She didn't realize how hard she was crying until she tried to talk to him.

 _"What's wrong? Where are you?"_

"I don't k-know, I-" she was sobbing. It was so embarrassing, but she couldn't pull herself together. It was the combination of the alcohol and the memories, and it was a hell of a combination. She could barely breath. She dragged herself across the gravel to the curb of the road, wrapping her arms around her legs, her phone on speaker on her knees. She looked for a road sign, but she couldn't see anything, although she doubted that she would see it even if it was right on top of her. Her tears were distorting everything.

 _"You have to give me something, baby. I'll find you, but give me a starting point. It's a big city."_

The desperation in his voice only made her cry harder. She was so fucked up, but it wasn't just effecting her. It have an effect on him too, and she hated it. She hated hurting him. He deserved someone happy and whole, and that wasn't her. Not anymore, and if she was being honest with herself, it never was her. He had always deserved better. "A p-party, I k-know it's s-stupid, b-b-but..." she trailed off, trying to calm her breathing, but it was just getting worse. She felt like her throat was closing up.

 _"Okay. Okay, that's good. Where is it at? Are you on campus or somewhere else?"_

The roar of his truck punctuated his sentence. She dropped her phone between her shaking fingers. She fumbled picking it up, and she could hear him calling her name through the receiver. "A-a-" she interrupted him. "a s-sorority h-house, so s-somewhere on the edge of," she let out a racking cough that she felt in her whole body. "c-campus. I'm on the s-side o-of the road. I'm s-sorry I was f-fine until I s-saw..." she couldn't finish. She couldn't even breath.

 _"And you're alone? Don't hang up until I find you, okay? I'm on my way."_

She breathed slowly, trying to calm down, but she couldn't. She felt detached, in a way. She felt like she was half present, like she was watching this crying girl choking on her on breath from somewhere above.

 _"Spencer? Spencer!"_

She shook her head, only the sound of Toby's panic enough to bring her back. "I-I'm sorry, w-what?"

 _"Oh thank God, you scared me. What color- oh no wait, I see you."_

She saw him just as he saw her. She wanted to feel relieved, but she couldn't, she just allowed herself to finally wilt, succumbing to her panic. She curled up in a ball, hiding her face in her knees, her whole body shaking. She felt like she was having a heart attack, but she was only 19. You couldn't have a heart attack at 19, could you?

If she couldn't hear the roar of Toby's truck she might have panicked further when a pair of gentle hands pulled her to her feet. He wrapped both arms securely around her and kissed her hair. "You're okay, Spencer. Just breath. You're fine. Nothing here is going to hurt you, not when I'm around. You're fine." He whispered, his breath warming the skin of her neck. "I love you. You're safe and I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will. You're safe."

She didn't know how long it was until he steered her toward the truck and helped her inside. It felt like a lifetime, but it also felt like no time at all. He helped her in and buckled her seat belt before getting back in the driver's side and pulling away. His thumb traced out a gentle pattern on her bare thigh. She wasn't sure if he was trying to comfort her or himself. "Just breath, Spence. Breath. In and out."

She tried. She tried matching her breathing to his. She tried to calm down, but she couldn't. She only cried harder, her breath coming out in choking gasps and her whole body shaking. She felt like she might pass out and she hated it. She hated everything. She was right about one thing, this was getting harder the further away from her disastrous youth. When she was still in high school the fight part of her brain was still activated. She was still with the people she fought with and for, and it was hard to separate herself from everything. But now? Now she was far enough removed that she could really consider just how often she could have died and how easy it would be for it to start again.

She wasn't stupid, she knew that she was experiencing classic signs of PTSD, but she couldn't go to a therapist. She couldn't admit that she was weak. But therapy didn't sound all that bad when she was in the middle of the worst panic attack she remembered having.

When she focused again Toby was stopping the car and unbuckling her seat belt. He pulled her across the soft, worn fabric and held her in his arms. "Just breath with me, Spence. Match your breathing to mine, okay? You're safe. You're safe and I won't let anything hurt you, I promise." He breathed louder than usually, running the fingers of one of his hands through her hair.

She closed her eyes, breathing with him. It took awhile, but her heart beat started to slow. Her breathing calmed down, and she sagged into him, completely exhausted. He brushed back her hair and kissed her neck. "What were you thinking?" He asked her softly. "I would have gone with you, you know that."

He would have. He would have dropped everything to help her. But that wasn't living, not for either of them. "I just wanted to be normal, for one damn night."


	3. Chapter 3

**I need to preface this chapter with an I'm SORRY and be patient because you know I'll make it all better.**

 **I haven't been watching PLL other than what I see in GIFs only because I'm waiting to see if they resolve this Spaleb mess before I decide, but either way, I don't think they would have had happy college years, to be honest. They went through to much.**

 **Spencer is very scared these years, and I want you to remember that as you read this. She's scared because she's just far enough away from everything to feel safe, so when these memories crush back down on her she remembers that she's not, that it could happen again. She's always waiting for Cece to come back, or Mona... or the next A. And it's just far enough away that she doesn't remember everything clearly, so her mind can play tricks on her like the blood from the dollhouse.**

 **That's the way I'm playing this.**

 **SO AGAIN I'M SORRY. and i apologize on the behalf of all the writers everywhere who could do it better for the shit show that PLL is becoming.**

Chapter 3

SPOV

Junior Year: Second Semester Midterms

She woke up with a start. She didn't know what had pulled her from her dreams, but she did know that there wasn't going to be any bringing her back. The past year had brought back her nightmares with a vengeance. They no longer were flashes of what happened. Now her worst fears were intermixed with the reality of hat she went through.

She glanced back at Toby's serene face with a pronounced frown. At least she didn't take this from him like she did everything else. At least he could still sleep. Guilt was a constant additive to her already heightened emotions. This wasn't living. She couldn't tear herself away from a past that still haunted her nightmares, and the fact that her mind was cemented in the horrors of her adolescence meant that Toby couldn't move on either. He wouldn't leave her behind, but she just couldn't move forward.

It was like the further she got away from the dollhouse the more it haunted her. In the days and months immediately after their rescue relief permeated her thoughts. She had gotten out, largely in one piece. That was all she cared about. But the further she got from the event the more her memories got distorted and she couldn't separate fact from fictional. She discern what actually happened and what was the product of her nightmares.

 _"Do you still have the nightmares?"_

 _She looked up at Emily with a frown. "Why?" She hadn't been back to Rosewood in two years, but she would make an exception to support Emily. Her dad had tragically died of a heart attack while leading a training exercise in Texas, and her friend was understandably heartbroken._

 _Emily's eyes were filled with tears. "Because I do. All the time. I can't- I can't do it anymore, Spence. UCLA isn't far enough away. I-" She hesitated, looking at her for a long second before continuing. "I dropped out. I'm moving to the Bahamas."_

 _Spencer was taken aback. Things were hard for her too, but she never considered running. "Oh, Em," she whispered in a breaking voice. "Are you sure that's what you want?"_

 _Emily nodded tearfully. "You just don't get it Spence. I know you do to a certain extent, but you still- you still have Toby and he's the thing that you hold onto to make sure that you don't lose yourself. That's who my d-dad was for me, and- well I don't have that anymore. So I have to go."_

It was like her talk with Emily made her see the world in a completely new way. Because she was right. Toby was the crutch that she leaned on to get through everything. Would she be able to make it without him? Time didn't suggest that she would. Especially not today. Because try as she might, she just couldn't forget about this particular anniversary.

You would think the day that you got pulled out of hell would be one you remembered fondly, but for her it just signified the beginning of the end of who Spencer Hastings used to be. It was the anniversary of the day that she lost who she was and became this shadow of who she used to be.

 _It was cold. It was so cold, but she was free. There was a freedom in the stinging air that she never thought she'd feel again. She knew in her heart that her family and Toby wouldn't stop looking for her, but it was hard to have hope when everything was so bleak. She held Mona tightly, in her mind she told herself that it was because she was worried about the smaller girl, but in her heart she knew that it was because she'd fall apart if she didn't have someone holding her._

 _"Spencer!"_

 _Her heart was immediately in her throat. It was like her nerve endings were standing on edge. She didn't know that she could feel anymore, not until she heard that voice. "Toby," she breathed, dropping Mona immediately. She gave her an apologetic glance before sprinting to him. He caught her with the same desperation that she was feeling. She was off her feet and in his arms, and for the first time she felt safe. She was home again, and nothing could take her away from him._

 _Safe. She was safe. Somehow she had climbed from the pits of hell, all the way into the only heaven that she cared to know. She was crying, but that was okay. They weren't tears of sadness, not yet. She was sure that those were to come. Right now she was crying tears of relief because he had found her. He really hadn't given up, and if they could make it through this she was sure that they could make it through anything._

 _In what was maybe an inappropriate reaction she pulled away and attached her lips to his, kissing him furiously. She put her hands on his face, pressing her body against his. She couldn't be close enough, not right now. She pulled away reluctantly, because the time for secrets was passed. She had to tell him everything, because this was going to far. The game was moving to a point where the stakes were too high. They couldn't do this on their own anymore. "We know who it is," she whispered desperately. "We have a name."_

 _Toby's eyes were full of a kind of determination that she had never seen. In another time she would have found it attractive as hell, but right now she just found it reassuring. Because for her, that determination was the same determination that had gotten her out of that place. It was the kind of determination that was going to help her end this. "It's Andrew, babe. And we're going to get him."_

He had been wrong, but it still meant the world to her how determined he was to help her battle her demons. At least it had at the time, but now she wasn't so sure. Because how was she supposed to learn to walk on her own two feet if she always knew that Toby would be there to catch her if she fell. And he didn't do it because he thought that she was weak. She knew that. But she also knew that protecting her was in his nature. He wouldn't be able to stop anymore than he'd be able to cut off his own arm. That's who he was, and for the first time in the four and a half years they had been together, she was starting to wonder if it was a problem.

 _The beginning of the school year always brought new things, new excitement... new fears. That was probably what brought on the panic attack she was currently in the middle of. Her throat was on fire. It felt like something was trying to claw its way out of her throat. She couldn't breath._

 _She could hear Annabeth calling her name in the distance, but every time it got close it was like her mind ran further away. She was back there. She wasn't a 20 year old college student anymore. She was 18 and she was back in that place, and all that it took for her fragile mind to snap was a power outage in the dorms. That was it. But all that her subconscious knew was that the lights were off and she couldn't get them back on. She couldn't control her environment._

 _She didn't know where she was. She didn't know who she was. There was a broken sobbing in the background that she fixated on. Was it Hanna or Emily? Was it Aria? Had she hurt them again? She was a monster. She hoped to God that someone rescued her friends, but she deserved this. She deserved to rot down here after everything that she had done._

 _She was on the verge of passing out when a new voice joined the mix. She wasn't sure if it was in her mind or not, but her shoulders automatically relaxed a little bit. His hands were on her face, tilting her chin up. "It's just me, Spence," he whispered fiercely. "It's just me. You're in your dorm, baby. You're safe. I promise, you're safe."_

 _His voice was enough to prompt her to pry her eyes open. She immediately closed them and slumped into him when she saw that it was actually Toby. It was in that moment that she recognized that the sobbing was her. She grabbed at his shirt with both hands, holding onto him with everything she had as she sobbed into the grey cotton._

 _Now she wasn't crying because she was stuck in the past. She was crying because she didn't know if she could have pulled herself back without Toby, and that thought scared the hell out of her. He was so gentle and patient with her. He was the perfect boyfriend, and she loved him more than she could describe. But the problem was that he loved her too much. Every time he saw her in pain he wanted to fix it, and under normal circumstances that would be just another beautiful part of him. But now? It was her mind that was broken, and he couldn't make that better. She had to, but she wasn't sure that she would be able to with him there. She didn't know if she would be able to pick up the pieces if Toby kept trying to do it for her._

She knew what she needed to do. She knew what she had to do. She had knew since that day, but God damn it, she didn't want too. Cece had already stolen so much from her... her high school experience, several friends, her happiness... she didn't want to lose Toby too. She couldn't lose Toby. But she couldn't keep him either. Not if she wanted to get better.

Last night had proven that to her.

 _"We don't have to talk about it."_

 _He grabbed her arm when she tried to leave. "Clearly we do, Spence. Because you can't even look at me right now."_

 _She just needed to be alone for awhile. She needed to cry and process and remember, on her own. She needed to not be around him, because she felt guilty when he dropped everything to comfort her, and she couldn't make this about him. She needed it to be about her. That was the only way she was going to be able to handle it. "What? You want me to talk to you about the time that I got kidnapped? You want me to regale you with every sordid detail of my time in that bunker? You want me to describe the emotions that I felt when I thought I was hurting my friends? Do you want me to recall every detail of my hallucinations of being covered in blood or having you show up there? Is that what you want? Because it's not going to help me."_

 _He grabbed her other arm, forcing her to look at him. "Then tell me what will! Because I can't stand seeing you like this! What can I do?"_

 _"Nothing!" She exploded, her voice echoing around the room and tears rolling down her cheeks. "Nothing you are doing is helping! Why can't you see that I just need to feel this! I need to suffer through it! That's the only way that I'm going to know whether or not I can function on my own! You can't fix it! I have to, and I can't fix it when you're here!"_

 _His face made it clear that she had hurt him, but she was still too angry to apologize. "Stop it!" She whispered. "Stop, this is the whole point, Toby. I can't be weak without making you feel bad. I can't cry without making you want to fix it. I love you." She said quietly and sincerely. "I love you so much it I can't even handle it, but-" she closed her eyes. "but maybe-"  
_

 _"No," he whispered, putting a shaking finger to her lips. "No, Spence. Please don't-"_

 _"I-"_

 _He shook his head, leaning in to silence her with a kiss. "Shhh," he whispered. "Don't say this today. Sleep. Think about it. Please just- don't leave me."_

 _She hesitated, but she nodded, tears running down her cheeks. Maybe it was a mistake, but she didn't have it in her to break his heart. Not today._

She wriggled out from under his heavy arm. She fell asleep expecting to feel differently today. She expected to wake up feeling as though she was crazy for even considering living without Toby. She expected to want to cling to him as hard as she had her freshman year, or even her sophomore year. But she didn't. She woke up with the knowledge that she was right. That she had to- that she had to walk away.

But knowing that any putting it into action were two different things. She wasn't sure that she would physically be able to bring herself to do it. How was she supposed to break the heart of the one person that had always been there for her without question? Her parents had always been there for her, but it wasn't like Toby was. He was on her side, even when she was wrong... even when she was being crazy, he was there to support and defend her. She loved him with a kind of fervor that she wasn't sure that she had had in her.

But it wasn't enough anymore. No, that was wrong. It wasn't that love wasn't enough. It was that it was too much. When you're young you believe that you'll fall in love with someone and that you'll live happily ever after. She found her someone in Toby, but if she ever wanted to grow as a person she was going to have to leave him behind. Not because he didn't love her, but because he did. He loved her too much to let her falter. She would never find her own way with him there, and she knew she needed to. She would never be truly with him until she was happy with herself. And she wouldn't be happy with herself until she had a fraction of the strength she had pre-dollhouse.

"You're going to leave me, aren't you?"

She jumped, turning around to face him. The second she met his eyes, her favorite shade of blue, yesterday's tears began again with a vengeance. "Toby-"

He shook his head, closing the distance between the two of them. He took her hand in both of his. "Please," he whispered, his voice breaking at the end. "please don't do this."

She closed her eyes, and when she looked at him again she fixated somewhere over his right shoulder. "I don't want to." Her voice was nearly inaudible. "But I think I have to."

"Why?" If she hadn't already been crying the pain on his face would have been enough to get her there. "Did I- did I do something wrong?"

" _ **No**_ ," she said firmly. She met his eyes again. "No, this was all me. I know that it sounds like a stupid breakup like, but I want you to listen to me and to hear me, okay? I love you, Toby Cavanaugh. I will always love you more than anyone else, but I-" she closed her eyes. "I can't find myself if I stay here," she whispered. "I need to go. I need to-" she paused, not knowing what she was going to say. "I need to struggle. I need to hurt. I need to scream and cry myself to sleep and work through everything that I haven't been able to claw my way out of. I know you've noticed how much worse I've gotten, don't deny it." He didn't shake his head like she had been expecting. "I need this, Toby," she whispered. "and I need to be on my own when I do it. You love me too much," she framed his face with her hands. "you won't let me hurt, but I need to. And I think you know that. You're the strongest person I know."

"Spence-" he whispered, his voice cracking.

The tears that were now on his cheeks were very nearly her undoing. She nearly called all of this off and lead him back to bed where she could kiss him until he forgot about the damage that she was causing. But she couldn't do that because she was right. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how painful it was, she was right. She felt like a knife was being twisted in her heart at the sight of his tear stained face, but she was right. She had to do this. She gently wiped away the tears with her thumbs with all the tenderness in the world. The only way this would be tolerable would be if she knew that he knew how much she loved him. "Listen to me Toby," she whispered. "I love you. God, I love you. I never- I never would have m-made it this far without you. But n-now I'm just b-barely strong enough to stand on my own. You g-got me this far, and now I have to get myself the r-rest of the way. Alone. I hate this. I hate hurting you. I don't w-want to leave you. I _need_ you. But I need myself more, and I- I have to. I have to do this. Please tell me you understand. I just- I love you. _I love you_ , and I- I don't expect you to wait for me, but just know that t-this isn't me s-saying I never want to be with you. Just t-that I can't right n-now, and-"

"Shh," he interrupted her in a way that one he could. If anyone else had done that she would have bristled, but with him she just melted. He pulled her in for a hug, holding her as tightly as he ever had. "I understand, Spencer. I do- I get it. And now I want you to hear me, okay? You **are** strong enough to do this. You're stronger than you've ever given yourself credit for. And I'm sorry if I've held you back. I was just trying to help."

She shook her head furiously. "I needed you then. I never would have made it out here on my own."

He smiled through his heavy tears. "You are strong enough to do this. You can do anything, Spencer," he whispered, his hands on her face now. "You can do this, and when you're ready I'll be here if you still want me."

"Toby, you don't-"

He shook his head, leaning in to kiss her gently, her lips just barely brushing over hers. "If you think that there is anyone else out there for me I clearly have not done a good job showing you how much you mean to me."

She closed her eyes, screwing them up so tightly she saw stars. She had to do this. She had to, but it was physically painful pulling herself away. "I love you," she said again, almost desperately this time. He had to know that before she left him.

He kissed her deeply this time, passionately. It was the kind of kiss that made her heart flutter and her toes curl. They got lost in each other for a second before one of them pulled away, she could quite say who it was. He leaned his forehead into hers, their tears mixing together for a second. "I love you too," he breathed. "Forever."

"Forever," she agreed, in a broken voice. She mustered the last of whatever strength she possessed and pulled away from him, refusing to think that it might be for the last time.

"Wait, do you need a ride?" He asked her suddenly, reaching for his keys.

She shook her head, trying to dry her tears and failing. They were just replaced with more. "I'll call an Uber. Don't worry about it."

He looked like he was going to protest but instead he pulled his hand back and hung his head a little bit, nodding. "Okay," he whispered.

"Bye Toby," she murmured, not wanting to look away, but she knew that in this instance she would have to make the first move. She turned toward the door.

"I love you," was the last thing she heard before she pulled the door shut behind her, leaving her heart, and her jacket behind. But she couldn't go back for it. If she turned around she would never leave.

Instead she sat in the lobby of his apartment complex and pressed the button ordering an Uber before dialing Hanna's number. When she heard her blonde friend's voice the sobs she had barely been able to hold back exploded out at full force. "Toby and I broke up," she sobbed into her eye phone, doubling over. What the hell had she just done?


End file.
